Quarantine series

As much as I’d like to give Instagram the credits for how it all started, to me it felt like destiny pushing it through, ok yeah I’m not going to deny that it had a crucial step in forming this relationship but there was more to it than just chance.

I thought I’ll stall him a bit before accepting the request but somewhere I knew if  there’s anyone meant for me, there was a high probability of it being him, and so I immediately accepted his request. Within a few hours, he texted and without wasting more time I asked if we could text over Whatsapp.

What followed was countless hours of getting to know each other, pausing every other distraction along the way, just us, in an invincible bubble of curiosity about the other.

I’d go to work with a transfixed smile on my face and a tickling sensation in my stomach even at the slightest thought of him. It felt like how all the love stories make you feel; warm and cushy.

Barrage of Question popped up, he more into it than me, going over and over about every doubt one could have if this went forward.

Somewhere both were very clear about what we wanted and at first nobody was willing to budge from it, clearly meaning that what we thought we could create went spiraling down both our minds.

A lot had to be compromised on both ends but somehow we pulled each other up again and before we knew it, we were in a relationship and what’s funny is we never even had met after we began texting, strangely we didn’t know how the other sounded as well. He, a bit hesistant to call and I was ready to video-call. So clearly we went at snails pace to get comfortable speaking to the other but we had already given each other terms used when one is in a relationship.

The day had come when we would finally meet each other, and without even realizing a lot of dimensions opened up. Arriving a few minutes earlier at the consensual place we decided on, gave me a good head-start and I almost immediately adapted an unflappable demeanor, didn’t want to make a bad first real impression.

He walked in looking for me and once our eyes interlocked a smile erupted from both our faces. Sitting opposite to me now, but rarely even looking up, it was clear that he was nervous and all I could do was be as comforting with my gaze and aura as possible so that he eventually would calm down. I explored his entire face without looking away only to let him know that I was all in. He is oh so romantic with every thing he wants to say that I didn’t realize time flying. We had a good couple of hours to ourselves until it was time to depart.

With our parents in the blind, we spoke again at a cousins wedding amidst my entire family’s presence and he was concerned about me getting into any sort of trouble for this, knowing the sort of rumors that can spread revolving around us for just talking to each other. It was a comforting factor that he cared.

And then we had to get back to our normal lives where mine demanded me to be back in bengaluru and his demanded him to be back to his business. Slowly upgrading to calls, I thought we were doing just fine, the kind of pace I wanted to go in.

When we were just getting comfortable around the fact that this is it, we were meant for each other, I get a phone call, saying a proposal has come to my family from his side and I was unaware and felt like I was kept in the dark by him. Later I got to learn that it wasn’t under his control and was left with no choice but to forgive him. Things escalated at a lightning speed, families got involved and suddenly we were now an official couple with our parents consent.

To be continued…

Forgive and Forget..

I can tell for boys and girls alike that the time before marriage, the time the world announces to you that you are supposed to get married is the most tormenting part of growing up. It’s not just my community, I’ve seen it across all communities. Well, as for me my tormenting days began even before I completed college, not even 20 by then and it’s not a lie that I even considered marrying because the prospect seemed appealing. And the only prospect I was looking for at that time in my life was marrying abroad, getting as far away from my hometown as possible but obviously I said no after deliberate consideration. That was an opening to years of painful adulthood and from then on there was no going back, one after the other they showed up.

Saying no every time before even meeting the guy had only one interpretation according to me which was I was not ready for marriage but it gave my parents assumptions that I might have a boyfriend and would one day elope which made matters worse. I then realized what fear can accomplish by sidelining love. I’ve seen it first hand how mad, angry — fear could make you do and say things to your own child as if she were never your own and for what just so she says yes to marriage.

What we need to understand is that, as parents it’s also the most important decision they make for their child and hence the additional burden that comes along with it.

Believe me, you can’t stay mad at them forever. For whatever they did and said it was mostly based on the fears they’ve picked up along the way.

Forgive them because they didn’t know any better, more importantly they didn’t have anybody to guide them and you should know that there are a lot others who every now and then question the unmarried status of their child despite being averagely pretty, needless to say puts them on hook.

It’s only a matter of time until the dust settles and know that it will but until then stay true to your decision no matter the wrath because it’s only you who knows what’s best for you.

Stay strong but once all this is over have the heart to forgive and forget.

Struggle is growth..

It is hard to say what is really going on in my mind. I’m having an explosion of thoughts but no one wants to show up front. Finally the gutsy has made the cut. Let’s hear it out, shall we..

All these years I wanted to live a certain way, a certain kind of lifestyle and I can tell you that I’m living it but what gave me my voice previously were my struggles, oh don’t get the wrong impression, I do struggle in a lot of ways even now, just in a smaller scale though; and outpouring them onto Word automatically provided me with a solution and that led to a blog which led to another etc etc.. Though I was having a hard time then, I also would enjoy my growth or the processing through it. I always knew that things would change like they have.

What I want to know is Why struggling is used as a derogatory word when that is what let’s us outshine in the end. For me I struggled with one particular thing and it wouldn’t budge from continuously ruining my life until I surrendered. Consider it a leech that you couldn’t get rid of but if you allow it to do what it’s supposed to, you’ll realize that it’s only doing you good.

This, what you’re going through is only a phase, it’s going to wear out, I can’t tell you when but it will, until then hold on tight and try to make sense of it all and before you know it, you’ll be on the clear. And when you’re no longer struggling you’ll always remember it and be thankful for it because that’s what has transformed you into this person that you are.

SummeR! 🌞

Summer is exciting in this town, in fact most of us look forward to warm days and not so cold nights, a walk out or a day out without having rain hijack the plan, and most importantly shedding of layers of clothing feels so light on the skin. It is a season of tropical fruits that we long to have all year and when it’s finally here we can’t wait to get our hands on it. I’d say it’s the most fabulous time living here as a resident.

Birds seem to love this season too. We have a small garden right in front of the house and we call it our very own bird sanctuary because of all the birds that wander in and off of the garden and few of the exotic ones that you don’t get to see it anywhere else, and also there are the usual guests that stay hidden in the tree, continuously chirping, never really exhausted until it’s time to pack up, know exactly which pressure relief points to activate in me and all I’ve to do is take my seat and relax, rest I’m assured will be taken care of.

It’s true, the weather directly impacts my mood and the ability to get out of bed and get things done. Recently, I’ve allocated myself a reading spot which I don’t make time for anymore along with writing, and so I’m glad I took the first step which is setting up a comfortable couch to sit on, with nothing else beside it except for this fabulous view overlooking my present neighborhood, obviously nothing bougie but worth it. Thinking of taking it up a notch by adding a coffee table, cushion, rug and maybe a dream-catcher, as most of the day goes by just sitting here, I might as well make it look good and not only should it inspire me but also get work done. I’m going to call it my creative space and therefore it is sacred which is why it’s going to be a no phone zone. Right now I feel empowered to just sit here, relax and call it my own little corner.

And that was a snippet of the things that keep me happy as well as occupied during summers.

Ain’t I always grateful for summers?! Hell ya!

The greater good!

Things don’t happen the way we want it, by now I’m sure all of us are well aware of it. It doesn’t matter what fight you put on, it doesn’t matter how much good you’ve done, none of it counts sometimes.

All that anger you’ve vent out, lashing out like as if somehow the other person is responsible for all of it but no nothing changes. But you don’t know it unless you try. Maybe it’s not rational but isn’t that what we know; to fight for what we want.

Talk about the universe having a mood, this time instead of wanting me to fight for what I want, it wanted me to accept what was happening, let go of what I want and just go with the flow. One thing I’m certain of is when it’s hellbent on getting it’s way, you simply comply. In the end all that matters is, if it’s truly worth the fight.

It takes a whole different level of courage to let go of what you wanted a minute ago. Sometimes it’s best to keep the ego aside and look at the greater good.

A Brave Heart💖

For you those candles lit,

Across the room amidst darkness sits,

One of every scent

Of different sizes and length

A fresh aura,

Mixed with the freshness of the flora.

Perking it up just a little more,

With the red dress and the glow,

Nobody could have known it’s you.

And there you stood with pride,

By having done it for yourself, you sigh’d,

Amidst circumstances where otherwise you’d have cried,

Ohh what a brave heart, to have just tried.

Soul searching!

This seemed to be my identity,

When I thought I lost all creativity.

And so it was easier to invest time,

Although at first it was bitter as lime.

Only the trusted few saw my potential,

Even then I went at it sequential.

Made me come out of the pity hole,

Just in time to save my soul.

The one thing that gave my existence meaning,

Soon my confidence touched the ceiling.

What it has done to my self-esteem,

Is beyond explanation it seems.

So go on and invest in a creative outlook,

That will give you a start,

Much like mine.

Moon and I..

Just like in my fantasies

I looked up to see you.

Found you peeking

From behind the cloud, seeking.

Knowing that it’s me,

You show up willingly.

I can’t believe my luck,

The term relationship would suck.

But even then I would never hide you under the rug.

Forever mesmerized by your elegance I shall be,

For it is you that brings out the best in me.

Having a moment,

Just you and me, currently.

Sipping the same breath as you,

I feel lighter, mysterious too.

Is this what it is to be you?!

Taking the HighRoad..

Its never easy to take this road because of all the things that they’ve said to batter your spirits and all that they’ve done that I could never think of crossing that kind of boundary for, even if I was in my worst behavior and yet here I was trying to be as positive and callous to the chaos as possible.

Where I’m thinking ways to savor my sanity by trying to change my reaction; everything that once felt out of line is now being neutralized by the way I look at it and still that doesn’t seem to make the cut, doesn’t seem enough to get over the ongoing comments they pass in a language they think I wouldn’t understand, I truly wish now that I didn’t.

This isn’t bullying, it is also nothing I cannot handle; I’m not the kind of person who is afraid to speak my mind and yet I stayed silent when it hurt me the most.

The immediate reaction was undoubtedly anger, it seemed like the right emotion; I’d show them that I wasn’t scared of them and everyday it so happened that I’d anticipate their moves and be agitated over simpler things that occupied most of my time, energy and space.

And out of nowhere I had a revelation that, it didn’t matter, what they said or did shouldn’t matter. They were taking free space in my brain without even having to pay for the rent and what I feel ashamed to say is, it happened right under my watch!

Cleansing had to be done. I knew I was a good person no matter what they thought and nothing of what they say will change that. I’m going to continue to be the good person that I am even though it hurts. No it isn’t about standing up for myself because I can count you all the times that I did and it only resulted in anger and outrage, which is not something I want to live with when I’m blessed to have loved ones who love me for me and would even go to war for me.

It’s rightly said, those who care don’t matter and those who matter don’t care!

Hence, the highroad!

Trapped in the illusion of perception..

A lot of times our entrenching gaze is on YOU, the other person in the room, not ourselves, but you.

What did you do now? What will make you change?

People wrong you everyday but they also genuinely try to make things better but you are into a swirling loop of negativity that you forget how to get out of that perception.

Pinpointing even the smallest mistake of someone else’s just so you can feed your brain with the already brewing notion that you are the victim and they are doing it again and again just to offend you, well, you may be right but snap out of the victimhood.

We allow ourselves to think that we are entrapped and helpless but what feels like an entrapment is an illusion that is tricking us into believing all sorts of things and we obligingly provide it with more proof without even realizing the damage and the sad yet beautiful part is it is stemming right from our minds which means we are the one’s in control and can take charge immediately, all that needs to be done is realizing where we are going wrong.

Everyday when you feed a child-like brain that you are the one suffering and also are the better one amongst two because she does something that agitates you, that upsets you despite having it addressed a million times; it’ll take what you say word for word as a perfect disciple and club it all together until it erupts.

What do we say about things we do not have any control over, well that’s right, it does not have control over us. So what can be done instead?

Focus on what you can control, I’m sure all of us are aware of it but we don’t even know what we are doing before we do it. Being aware of your own thoughts and calling it out by name is the best way to bring it to your notice.

If you don’t like a certain behavior in a person, divert your attention towards what you can control — simple things like how you react or what can be done and you’ll suddenly feel that their behavior no longer bothers you.

To think of it, we all know what should be done because these simple truths are always familiar but difficult to put it to practice.